Helpless watched you break this heart of mine and loneliness only wants you back here with me.

I'm alone in my hotel room while I type this. Yes, I get my own room! Finally, some privacy for the first time in ages. It seems like I'm writing in this everyday. I have less to say and nobody to talk to anymore. I don't know what I'm trying to prove, that I can be independent and not need anyone? And I don't want to go out to eat anymore because all I'm doing is wasting money. I've been waiting forever for your call. You make the first move, because I'm sure you're used to my stubborn ways. I've done all I could.

Japan is pretty cute. We have a pretty adorable tour guide. At first, I thought she was in her 20's or 30's, but it turns out she's like 40. That's not too bad I guess. I kind of had a feeling. She's really nice and funny. She's like your local Taiwanese girl, very welcoming. I never really liked tour guides, but I like this one. My father used to be a tour guide. I thought about doing it for a little bit, but I could never stand the thought of eating alone. I want to invite my tour guide to come eat with me...

You can call me selfish, but all I want is your love.

Good news! I called my camp captain today to inquire about the train tickets. Then I said that we should hang out sometime when I got back from Japan, but she said she'd be in Hualien already doing disaster relief. Ostensibly, I jumped at the opportunity to help and now I'll be going to Hualien a few days earlier, probably on the 19th, the day after I come back from Hualien. That means I'll also get to see Molly baby a few days earlier too. Perfection. Everything always seems to fall into place for me. I'm actually a little excited to go to Japan now. I'll be able to see the lavender fields, which are some of my favourite flowers. I'll also get to buy some cute presents for some people who are special to me.

There'll also be a lot less pressure on my half for Taiwanese Valentine's Day. I was going to build-a-bear for you, a penguin, my favourite animal when everytime you pressed him, my voice would sing a line from one of our favourite songs. I was going to make you a mixtape, the soundtrack to our summer, filled with all our favourite songs. I was going to give you a Hello Kitty necklace worth $5000NT. I was going to write you a song and a love letter. I was going to give you my heart on my sleeve. I was going to... But I'm not anymore. You know I liked you, right? Everybody, even strangers, could tell from the way my eyes lit up when your name brushed my lips. I've always been good at making friends, but I could never keep them. My mother asked me today if all my friends had one month expiration dates. I thought we were above that. I messed up, but I'm not the only one. You promised me always and forever.

Got a rep for breakin' hearts, now I'm done with superstars.

I don't think I'd be good for anyone. I don't know what I want or who I want. I'm picky and I change my mind a lot. I'm so emotionally detached sometimes I don't care about anything or even myself. I don't look before I cross the street. I just assume the cars won't hit me or if they do, the pain will only be momentary and I will be allowed bragging rights if I survive. I take my chances, but I'm not ready to ruin a good thing. The thing about Taiwan is I have so many choices. People think I'm somebody and they treat me nice. What am I doing for Taiwanese Valentine's Day? August 26th can play out in one of three ways. Today was a good day. I've always had a thing for people in positions of authority and I'm guessing they don't think I'm too unattractive either. :)

無情和冷漠就像從沒認識過。

Sometimes it hurts when I think too much, so I'd rather not. I'd like to think of things that make me smiles instead of overanalyzing every little detail of my life. It's a habit though. I see things that I know you like, but I don't feel the need to buy them for you anymore. There's somebody else that makes me happy now. I've unconsciously trained myself to let go of you. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I honestly don't know if we can still be friends. All thoses hopes and dreams I had for us, all those promises we broke. I don't know how we can fix that. I've always had a hero complex, and have felt the need to rescue people in need (I'm going to Tainan soon with some Taipei Tzu Ching to do disaster relief work). Now there's someone who needs me more than you do. You never needed me. I'm sorry we can't go back to the way it was before. I never really saw you as a friend. You were always so much more than that. There were no goodbyes. It ended as soon as it started. That's how I am. I can easily fall for someone and then someone else comes along and the spell is broken.

Speaking of which, I watched Harry Potter today finally. At camp, everybody called me Harry Potter. Well, they had a lot of nicknames for me haha. I feel a lot like Harry Potter. That would make Master Cheng Yen Dumbledore and Tzu Chi would be Hogwarts, a safe haven where nothing bad would be allowed inside.

I loved you, grey sweatpants, no makeup, so perfect.

I talked to my ex last night. It was awkward at first, but then it was just like old friends catching up. It's like we just picked up where we left off, except the feelings weren't there anymore. Everything in time. Without each other, we've both gone to do greater things. At first, we needed each other. These days, I feel like I don't need anybody in that way. Small love is selfish and heartbreaking. Why not practice great love and treat everybody well? Now I know there's nothing I can't let go of. It's ironic. Like I said, I've prayed to be stronger and not rely on anybody. With this strength, I'm ready to be in a relationship, but I don't want it anymore. I can't let anybody take my independence away from me. When before, all I ever wanted was to find true love. I ask myself sometimes if that was the main reason I came to Taiwan. People understand me here, but will they ever understand all of me and accept me for who I am? I guess I'm still waiting for that day to come. Initially, that was one of the reasons I left America, but now there's so much more to life than that.

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

Compassion. I learned that word when I was nine years old. I still remember it was when I attended a Tzu Chi camp over the summer. When I started practicing it, well, that's a story for another day.

I came back from camp in Hualien today. We had to stay an extra day because of the typhoon, but I'm really happy we got to stay longer. I cannot convey to you in words how content I feel at this moment. I'm infinite. I only hope this feeling doesn't go away. I don't know why, but I always feel so happy when I'm at camp. If only everyday were like camp. I'd never want to leave. With all these friends by my side, people I'm proud to call my family, I am so grateful. Everything is so easy there. It's simple. For me, Hualien is utopia. When you want to hold somebody's hand, you just have to reach out and grab it. When you want a hug, all you have to do is ask for one. You can feel a love so strong and a bond that's unbreakable because of what's or should I say who that is holding it all together. That's what it's like there. Perfection. I just want to exist within this world and not leave my little bubble. I've never been a fan of reality. Dreams were made for people like me.

It was my fifth time back in Hualien. I've only been in Tzu Ching for a year. My first event was last year's spiritual camp which my family encouraged me to attend. I've always been a rebel. I even shaved my head last year and had Master Cheng Yen touch it. After that camp though, I turned a complete 180. All I needed was a push in the right direction. The love and care I felt from everybody was enough to change me for good. I swore I would follow Master Cheng Yen's footsteps and walk down the Tzu Chi path.

Coming back to the officer camp, I saw a lot of friends I met from previous camps. Watching them learn and grow, I am really so proud of them. I've seen them start from being my fellow campers to being officers and camp counselors. I'm proud of myself too for what I've accomplished in such a short time. I took the position of Vice President of San Dimas, but I gave that up in search of something better, the best version of myself. I think I've found it here. I went from being somebody who easily gets mad to someone who is softspoken and tender.

I really think Taiwan Tzu Ching are so lucky because of where they live. They are close enough to Hualien and Master Cheng Yen, whereas American Tzu Ching have to get a job or beg their parents for money to fly to Taiwan. I'm so grateful to my mom for letting me once again come back to Taiwan and attend the camps. I'm grateful to my family members for opening the door to Tzu Chi for me, even though it took me nine years to step inside. I've known Tzu Chi for the majority of my life and I realize how lucky I am. I'm grateful to Master Cheng Yen for singlehandedly building Tzu Chi from the ground up. Without her, there would not be Tzu Chi and without Tzu Chi, well, this version of me would not exist. I would never have experienced friendship, love, great love and small love, and the feeling of family. I've finally found the place where I belong. Without Tzu Chi, I would not have any direction in life. I am going to do Tzu Chi forever because Tzu Chi is our only direction. This is my promise.

This time around I've come back stronger than I ever was. I'm independent and I don't need to rely on anybody else. These past few days have made me realize that I don't need you as much as I thought I did. Out of sight, out of mind. I had three important phone calls today. First, I called my friend who went to camp with me and told me to call her when I got back to Taipei. She wrote me a card and told me I was her favourite overseas Tzu Ching. I see her at every camp. She held my hand when I was sad that I didn't get to see Master Cheng Yen. When I talk to her, I'm so happy. She tells me exactly what's on her mind. She's not afraid to say those three words she's thinking. She's taking a train to see me in three days. She is also the person I've known the longest out of all three. The way she fits in my arms when I hold her is perfect. Second, after not picking up my calls for days, another friend tells me to call her when I get back. She doesn't even remember when I said I would be back even though I've told her repeatedly. I didn't even know if we were still friends. We've had our happy moments, but it seems lately our fragile relationship is spiraling downward. She doesn't have time for me anymore and I hate how insecure I am with her. She makes me miserable sometimes. She says she cares, but she doesn't show it... often. She seems like she doesn't like hugs. Third, another friend calls me and invites me to go swimming and go to dinner with her. She remembered when I was coming back from camp even though I've only told her once. She's a beauty queen of only 18. She's not a Tzu Ching. We're too awkward for hugs. As for who treats me better, well, isn't it obvious?

If tomorrow we're still friends, I'll stay up until 11:11 again.

Sacrifice. That was a word that was never in my vocabulary before I arrived in Taiwan. I'd watched television shows and movies and I'd always wanted someone worth sacrificing everything for. I never felt anybody was worth it nor would they appreciate my selfless intentions. Until now. When you want somebody to be happy, even if it makes you miserable. I admit I don't know the first thing about love, but if you know me, then you'll know that's all I've ever wanted to find. Now, I don't care if there can't be a happy ending, as long as I am happy in the moment. Years from now, I can reflect on that one perfect day with a smile upon my face.

I wandered around Taipei today by myself. I went to restaurants, not to eat, but to ask for their business cards and menus because I thought my friends would enjoy going dining there. I window shopped, not for myself, but for somebody special to me. This person inspires me, but I won't let it get any farther than that. I wrote down all the gifts and prices I wanted to purchase but could not afford and saved them for a later day. I think I've always been an independent person, but lately my independence has not been my own. Growing up, I never needed anybody. I was used to being alone. Here, though, I'm at my most vulnerable. I'm reliant on others to cure my loneliness. I've never so much as cried in public, and here I am crying on street corners in front of people whose last names I don't even know. In relationships, I confess, I'm dependent, needy, and clingy. I'm trying to change that though. Like Master Cheng Yen says, "Don't pray for less worries. Pray to be stronger." And I am. Every night at 11:11. I'm happy now, but what about tomorow? Everything can change in a moment, with one wrong word... or three. I refuse to give somebody that power to break me, because I know there will be nobody left to pick up the pieces. I won't be the first person to pick up the phone and make that desperate call. I won't let myself hold anybody back.

I've always been attracted to people in positions of power, teachers, camp counselors, popstars. Ambition is attractive to me. But that passion comes at a price. I never asked myself if I could take coming up second to somebody's work or school. I never took into consideration whether I was good enough or not, but that's who I'm striving to be. Somebody who deserves to be loved. Before I left, my friends gave me a piece of advice. That was to find something I'm passionate about and people will naturally be attracted to me because of that. All I can do is try to keep myself busy.

Afterthought: I want to make a bento box, even though I can't cook =P

If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone.

I don't know what it is about my luck recently. I've been getting everything I want as of late. Today was an emotionally good day for me, not so much physically. I woke up sore and I still am, so I refuse to drive anywhere even though it's the one day I happen to have a car. Though I'm not complaining. All I can do is smile. I had an amazing dream and woke up to a phone call that I have never been so grateful for. Hah, I skimmed through my last few posts and I just had to laugh at the irony of it all. My "gorgeous, Taiwanese, and utterly unattainable" professor treated me to coffee today along with intelligent, yet awkward conversation. I'll just leave it at that and here's Lara who I've been dreaming of.

Do you break all your promises?

I've experienced the extremes of what I thought was unfair play, but I never thought it could happen in a place as beautiful as this. Not only that, but the gavel was struck by somebody who I considered to be a brother to me, a mentor, and a friend. People like him are the reason why people like me want nothing to do with this place anymore. I once saw the beauty in it, but now all it is to me is shades of grey. The most damage done is often executed by someone closeby. At the end of the fight, only broken promises remain and no will to live. I know who my real friends are. They stick up for me when I am too weak to fight anymore. They take me out for drinks when I feel like doing is staying home and crying. They are on my side no matter how wrong or selfish I may be. I was so ready to forgive and be the bigger person, but now it seems as though we've taken a step back. I want this so much. I've been patiently waiting. Not only was it stolen from my bare hands, the faith and the truth that it represented disappeared along with my hopes for a better tomorrow. I thought we were better than that. This beautiful world does not make mistakes, but you did. Justice has not been served. I can walk away from this empty-handed, empty-hearted, or I can stay and fight for what is rightfully mine. I've been cutting my wrists for you.

The night will go as follows.

Bicycle. Guitar. Cut. Lorazepam. Breakdown. Cigarette. Repeat.

Figures.

I never get what I want, and why should I?

You don't deserve to be lonely, but those drugs you got won't make you feel better.

Sometimes I think I like feeling miserable. It's better than feeling nothing. I get so bored. I don't know if I can be happy anymore. I'm a mess I guess. All the Elliott Smith songs can't save me now. If I'm Charlie from Perks, I don't know how many Sams I've let go of. I'm not assertive at all and I'm too tired to be confrontational anymore.

Ode to the Nice Guys.

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

I'm not a card-carrying Buddhist...

but some things are just common sense. I guess this is about two days late, but we had a discussion in my Psychology of Asian Americans class and the subject came up. In Buddhism, we are taught that if we desire less, then we can find peace. Master Cheng Yen says, "Material objects were meant to be tools for us to use. Yet, lacking wisdom, we are perpetually discontent, and we thus become enslaved by material objects." In my last post, I said I needed a plane ticket to Taiwan, but do I really? There are so many people who have never even been on a plane, and I've been to Taiwan three times last year. All that wanting was just making me discontent and jealous of others who do have the opportunity to go back this month. It shouldn't have to be that way. I'm constantly reminding myself that I have so much that others don't have. I have a great sense of style and a good head on my shoulders. I have met some of the most amazing people in this world whom others only dream of meeting. I have so much more. I'm lucky.

Back to class. I don't know why I get so nervous. Well, actually I do know. My professor is gorgeous and Taiwanese, and utterly unattainable. I don't know what it is about all these professors, camp counselors, team captains, managers, popstars, older people that I have crushes on. I suppose it's their position of authority. I finally tested out my anxiety medication and it seems to be working fine. I don't fall asleep or anything, so it should be safe for class. I sometimes wonder though just because my doctor says I will get drowsy, do I really get drowsy just because I think I'm supposed to or because I really am? Maybe all he gave me was a placebo. I don't know.

Anyway, some ignorant kid chimed in that if nobody wanted anything, the economy would be bad. Newsflash! The economy is already in a spiralling downfall. How uneducated do you have to be not to realize that. I guess it really is on us to educated the ignorant and help the poor. If nobody desired anything, the world would be a better place. People would help each other out of goodwill and not ulterior motives. Companies, CEOS, the wealthy, the poor, they wouldn't want anything from you. We wouldn't have greedy Republicans who already have so much, yet they want more. Lastly, we wouldn't have ignorant people who pay $50 for a shirt from the bargain bin that was probably made by sweatshop kids.

I don't know if I want to drop this class. I've gotten perfect scores on my quizzes and homework and I know it's an easy A. I kind of sense some favoritism going on though and normally I wouldn't really care, but under these circumstances... well, that's another story. I don't really need any long lasting psychological damanges. I've had enough.

My life is so hard!

Nobody told me about Malaysia Airline's $427 L.A. to Taipei round trip plane ticket deal. I'm broke as a joke. Everyone is going back to Taiwan this month, especially those who already went in December. It's not fair. I won't get to go to my cousin's school carnival. I won't be able to go to Spring Scream in Kenting. I won't see Bobo the stripper. I won't get to see Molly and get my present and give her hers. I won't be able to see A-Mei and give her another kiss on the cheek. I won't be able to go to her concert or her after party and drink with her and her agents. I'll be letting down everyone I promised I would come back to see in March. Three months is too long.

Why am I still single?

Hahah I don't know why people are constantly asking me that yet not doing anything to change it. I know exactly why though. My standards are too high and I think too much of myself. I know what I want and I won't settle for any less. I've met perfection and that's what I hope to attain. How can you even if think of being with me without meeting said requirements? We have moments in life where you know if you had said or done something different, it could have changed everything. Some moments we take hold of and some we let slip us by. Perhaps what could have been a short term relationship turned into a long term friendship instead. Doesn't friendship last longer than love? After all, friendship requires love too, but on a less shallow level. Maybe you didn't think it was a moment until you think about it in hindsight. So the next time you take her to the mountains to see the stars, and it's raining and you drive her home in your Mercedes-Benz, and you want to kiss in the rain, ask her, "Have you ever kissed in the rain?" Because she could be your last chance at happiness. The next time she says she'll see you in a month, wait for her. Cherish those moments because maybe there won't be a next time. It's too late for regrets. I don't believe in them anyway.

Viktor and I went to Old Town today and we met an old-coworker whom neither of us remember. We found out the girl at the jewelry store's name is Anastasia and that she's underage and probably Russian I'm guessing. Hahah. Ironic how you don't even bat an eye at anyone else when you have a popstar in your sights. The next person I date will be the last. I'm tired of flings. I want forever.

This is real. This is me.

When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? Is this who you want to be? You might have a pretty face, but a beautiful personality is something you have to work towards. What is keeping you going? What directs your moral compass? What is your tragic story? These are all questions I ask myself everyday. The sob story gets old fast. I know I have a good life, but I like to play the victim more than I care to admit. There's so much more to me than people care to figure out. Being ridiculously good-looking and having a good personality doesn't make anyone feel any less alone. I'm tired of this man vs. self fight. I just need to be surrounded by a utopian environment where I can be good all the time. I know my faults and I'm trying to change. I'm quiet and I won't let anybody in all the way. It's a self-preservation thing. I overanalyze everything. I let my emotions get the best of me. You were just somebody that held my hand during a sad movie. I couldn't even bring myself to admit I loved you even as a friend. I'm too competitive for my own good. I refuse to admit defeat. I think I'm always right. I rarely apologize and mean it. I need to come out on top because I'm tired of people who already have the world at their fingertips always winning every battle. This is something I believe in more so than anybody else. My heart's in the right place.

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

I've come to the conclusion that life is like a series of ecstasy trips. Forrest Gump's mother had no idea what she was talking about, because you can always know what you're going to get if you just read the paper that tells you what kind of chocolate is which. Life is like dropping E, not that I would now or anything. You have your happy moments and then for the next week or so, you feel the repercussions of the drug and you come crashing down. I don't even know why I'm writing this because this wasn't what I had in mind earlier today when I wanted to create something.

Every so often, I get a little bit cynical. It's not like I want to be like this, but I can't help it. I may sound like a cryptic dinosaur, but this just serves for my own reference. When did everything suddenly become about sex? It's strange how people whom you once adored now disgust you. I gave the green light because there was nothing else I could do. It was on you to do the right thing, and I guess morals don't matter to a lot of people. I can't blame him because it was my fault. Oh, well. She was just another ol' Sally. This is the last time. Don't look at me for an introduction. If I had known beforehand, I wouldn't have bothered. You know what though? I'm glad I did because I met some amazing people. I wonder if you are destined to meet certain people at a certain time and point in your life.

It doesn't matter how much wine a hooker sips, she's still a hooker. Haha. Um. You can certainly take advantage of a hooker. That's what the typical neanderthal would do. That's where I'm different. I'm nice. I'm like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. I'd rather try to save the hooker with the heart of gold, except it's just a movie. Some people can't be saved. You can't take a hooker out to dinner and a movie.

And one by one they came
And one by one they left
I thought that I could fix her
If she would let me in

I'll look back at this in seven months and laugh.

I'm wondering where I am at this point in my life. I'm standing at a crossroads and I'm not quite sure what I should do. I don't want to trap myself in a box, but if I'd rather do that than stay in this hick town. I walked down the street today and I couldn't stand it. I never belonged here. Everything about this city is so wrong. Los Angeles is a place for lonely people. It's all lights and no heart. It's a place where no one can touch you, and that's supposed to be a good thing?

I could never stay in one place for too long. I get anxious and fearful of being stuck, grounded on the floor upon which I rest my feet. I get bored easily and my boredom reminds me to keep moving. Can't stop, won't stop. The rules don't apply to me. Whoever said I was playing the game at all? In love, why do we play a game where the odds of winning are stacked so high against us? Simple. The reward is greater than the risk. What's another broken heart compared to being alone on a Friday night? Let's do it again!