If tomorrow we're still friends, I'll stay up until 11:11 again.

Sacrifice. That was a word that was never in my vocabulary before I arrived in Taiwan. I'd watched television shows and movies and I'd always wanted someone worth sacrificing everything for. I never felt anybody was worth it nor would they appreciate my selfless intentions. Until now. When you want somebody to be happy, even if it makes you miserable. I admit I don't know the first thing about love, but if you know me, then you'll know that's all I've ever wanted to find. Now, I don't care if there can't be a happy ending, as long as I am happy in the moment. Years from now, I can reflect on that one perfect day with a smile upon my face.

I wandered around Taipei today by myself. I went to restaurants, not to eat, but to ask for their business cards and menus because I thought my friends would enjoy going dining there. I window shopped, not for myself, but for somebody special to me. This person inspires me, but I won't let it get any farther than that. I wrote down all the gifts and prices I wanted to purchase but could not afford and saved them for a later day. I think I've always been an independent person, but lately my independence has not been my own. Growing up, I never needed anybody. I was used to being alone. Here, though, I'm at my most vulnerable. I'm reliant on others to cure my loneliness. I've never so much as cried in public, and here I am crying on street corners in front of people whose last names I don't even know. In relationships, I confess, I'm dependent, needy, and clingy. I'm trying to change that though. Like Master Cheng Yen says, "Don't pray for less worries. Pray to be stronger." And I am. Every night at 11:11. I'm happy now, but what about tomorow? Everything can change in a moment, with one wrong word... or three. I refuse to give somebody that power to break me, because I know there will be nobody left to pick up the pieces. I won't be the first person to pick up the phone and make that desperate call. I won't let myself hold anybody back.

I've always been attracted to people in positions of power, teachers, camp counselors, popstars. Ambition is attractive to me. But that passion comes at a price. I never asked myself if I could take coming up second to somebody's work or school. I never took into consideration whether I was good enough or not, but that's who I'm striving to be. Somebody who deserves to be loved. Before I left, my friends gave me a piece of advice. That was to find something I'm passionate about and people will naturally be attracted to me because of that. All I can do is try to keep myself busy.

Afterthought: I want to make a bento box, even though I can't cook =P