Helpless watched you break this heart of mine and loneliness only wants you back here with me.

I'm alone in my hotel room while I type this. Yes, I get my own room! Finally, some privacy for the first time in ages. It seems like I'm writing in this everyday. I have less to say and nobody to talk to anymore. I don't know what I'm trying to prove, that I can be independent and not need anyone? And I don't want to go out to eat anymore because all I'm doing is wasting money. I've been waiting forever for your call. You make the first move, because I'm sure you're used to my stubborn ways. I've done all I could.

Japan is pretty cute. We have a pretty adorable tour guide. At first, I thought she was in her 20's or 30's, but it turns out she's like 40. That's not too bad I guess. I kind of had a feeling. She's really nice and funny. She's like your local Taiwanese girl, very welcoming. I never really liked tour guides, but I like this one. My father used to be a tour guide. I thought about doing it for a little bit, but I could never stand the thought of eating alone. I want to invite my tour guide to come eat with me...

You can call me selfish, but all I want is your love.

Good news! I called my camp captain today to inquire about the train tickets. Then I said that we should hang out sometime when I got back from Japan, but she said she'd be in Hualien already doing disaster relief. Ostensibly, I jumped at the opportunity to help and now I'll be going to Hualien a few days earlier, probably on the 19th, the day after I come back from Hualien. That means I'll also get to see Molly baby a few days earlier too. Perfection. Everything always seems to fall into place for me. I'm actually a little excited to go to Japan now. I'll be able to see the lavender fields, which are some of my favourite flowers. I'll also get to buy some cute presents for some people who are special to me.

There'll also be a lot less pressure on my half for Taiwanese Valentine's Day. I was going to build-a-bear for you, a penguin, my favourite animal when everytime you pressed him, my voice would sing a line from one of our favourite songs. I was going to make you a mixtape, the soundtrack to our summer, filled with all our favourite songs. I was going to give you a Hello Kitty necklace worth $5000NT. I was going to write you a song and a love letter. I was going to give you my heart on my sleeve. I was going to... But I'm not anymore. You know I liked you, right? Everybody, even strangers, could tell from the way my eyes lit up when your name brushed my lips. I've always been good at making friends, but I could never keep them. My mother asked me today if all my friends had one month expiration dates. I thought we were above that. I messed up, but I'm not the only one. You promised me always and forever.

Got a rep for breakin' hearts, now I'm done with superstars.

I don't think I'd be good for anyone. I don't know what I want or who I want. I'm picky and I change my mind a lot. I'm so emotionally detached sometimes I don't care about anything or even myself. I don't look before I cross the street. I just assume the cars won't hit me or if they do, the pain will only be momentary and I will be allowed bragging rights if I survive. I take my chances, but I'm not ready to ruin a good thing. The thing about Taiwan is I have so many choices. People think I'm somebody and they treat me nice. What am I doing for Taiwanese Valentine's Day? August 26th can play out in one of three ways. Today was a good day. I've always had a thing for people in positions of authority and I'm guessing they don't think I'm too unattractive either. :)

無情和冷漠就像從沒認識過。

Sometimes it hurts when I think too much, so I'd rather not. I'd like to think of things that make me smiles instead of overanalyzing every little detail of my life. It's a habit though. I see things that I know you like, but I don't feel the need to buy them for you anymore. There's somebody else that makes me happy now. I've unconsciously trained myself to let go of you. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I honestly don't know if we can still be friends. All thoses hopes and dreams I had for us, all those promises we broke. I don't know how we can fix that. I've always had a hero complex, and have felt the need to rescue people in need (I'm going to Tainan soon with some Taipei Tzu Ching to do disaster relief work). Now there's someone who needs me more than you do. You never needed me. I'm sorry we can't go back to the way it was before. I never really saw you as a friend. You were always so much more than that. There were no goodbyes. It ended as soon as it started. That's how I am. I can easily fall for someone and then someone else comes along and the spell is broken.

Speaking of which, I watched Harry Potter today finally. At camp, everybody called me Harry Potter. Well, they had a lot of nicknames for me haha. I feel a lot like Harry Potter. That would make Master Cheng Yen Dumbledore and Tzu Chi would be Hogwarts, a safe haven where nothing bad would be allowed inside.

I loved you, grey sweatpants, no makeup, so perfect.

I talked to my ex last night. It was awkward at first, but then it was just like old friends catching up. It's like we just picked up where we left off, except the feelings weren't there anymore. Everything in time. Without each other, we've both gone to do greater things. At first, we needed each other. These days, I feel like I don't need anybody in that way. Small love is selfish and heartbreaking. Why not practice great love and treat everybody well? Now I know there's nothing I can't let go of. It's ironic. Like I said, I've prayed to be stronger and not rely on anybody. With this strength, I'm ready to be in a relationship, but I don't want it anymore. I can't let anybody take my independence away from me. When before, all I ever wanted was to find true love. I ask myself sometimes if that was the main reason I came to Taiwan. People understand me here, but will they ever understand all of me and accept me for who I am? I guess I'm still waiting for that day to come. Initially, that was one of the reasons I left America, but now there's so much more to life than that.

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

Compassion. I learned that word when I was nine years old. I still remember it was when I attended a Tzu Chi camp over the summer. When I started practicing it, well, that's a story for another day.

I came back from camp in Hualien today. We had to stay an extra day because of the typhoon, but I'm really happy we got to stay longer. I cannot convey to you in words how content I feel at this moment. I'm infinite. I only hope this feeling doesn't go away. I don't know why, but I always feel so happy when I'm at camp. If only everyday were like camp. I'd never want to leave. With all these friends by my side, people I'm proud to call my family, I am so grateful. Everything is so easy there. It's simple. For me, Hualien is utopia. When you want to hold somebody's hand, you just have to reach out and grab it. When you want a hug, all you have to do is ask for one. You can feel a love so strong and a bond that's unbreakable because of what's or should I say who that is holding it all together. That's what it's like there. Perfection. I just want to exist within this world and not leave my little bubble. I've never been a fan of reality. Dreams were made for people like me.

It was my fifth time back in Hualien. I've only been in Tzu Ching for a year. My first event was last year's spiritual camp which my family encouraged me to attend. I've always been a rebel. I even shaved my head last year and had Master Cheng Yen touch it. After that camp though, I turned a complete 180. All I needed was a push in the right direction. The love and care I felt from everybody was enough to change me for good. I swore I would follow Master Cheng Yen's footsteps and walk down the Tzu Chi path.

Coming back to the officer camp, I saw a lot of friends I met from previous camps. Watching them learn and grow, I am really so proud of them. I've seen them start from being my fellow campers to being officers and camp counselors. I'm proud of myself too for what I've accomplished in such a short time. I took the position of Vice President of San Dimas, but I gave that up in search of something better, the best version of myself. I think I've found it here. I went from being somebody who easily gets mad to someone who is softspoken and tender.

I really think Taiwan Tzu Ching are so lucky because of where they live. They are close enough to Hualien and Master Cheng Yen, whereas American Tzu Ching have to get a job or beg their parents for money to fly to Taiwan. I'm so grateful to my mom for letting me once again come back to Taiwan and attend the camps. I'm grateful to my family members for opening the door to Tzu Chi for me, even though it took me nine years to step inside. I've known Tzu Chi for the majority of my life and I realize how lucky I am. I'm grateful to Master Cheng Yen for singlehandedly building Tzu Chi from the ground up. Without her, there would not be Tzu Chi and without Tzu Chi, well, this version of me would not exist. I would never have experienced friendship, love, great love and small love, and the feeling of family. I've finally found the place where I belong. Without Tzu Chi, I would not have any direction in life. I am going to do Tzu Chi forever because Tzu Chi is our only direction. This is my promise.

This time around I've come back stronger than I ever was. I'm independent and I don't need to rely on anybody else. These past few days have made me realize that I don't need you as much as I thought I did. Out of sight, out of mind. I had three important phone calls today. First, I called my friend who went to camp with me and told me to call her when I got back to Taipei. She wrote me a card and told me I was her favourite overseas Tzu Ching. I see her at every camp. She held my hand when I was sad that I didn't get to see Master Cheng Yen. When I talk to her, I'm so happy. She tells me exactly what's on her mind. She's not afraid to say those three words she's thinking. She's taking a train to see me in three days. She is also the person I've known the longest out of all three. The way she fits in my arms when I hold her is perfect. Second, after not picking up my calls for days, another friend tells me to call her when I get back. She doesn't even remember when I said I would be back even though I've told her repeatedly. I didn't even know if we were still friends. We've had our happy moments, but it seems lately our fragile relationship is spiraling downward. She doesn't have time for me anymore and I hate how insecure I am with her. She makes me miserable sometimes. She says she cares, but she doesn't show it... often. She seems like she doesn't like hugs. Third, another friend calls me and invites me to go swimming and go to dinner with her. She remembered when I was coming back from camp even though I've only told her once. She's a beauty queen of only 18. She's not a Tzu Ching. We're too awkward for hugs. As for who treats me better, well, isn't it obvious?